Some members of my family have suggested that I write down some of the family history, since I am the only person left who knows much of what happened to the previous four or five generations. In making my notes and preparing the first draft, I have begun to contemplate to an even greater extent than I already do my own life. I am already the most introspective person I know and this exercise has made me even more so. And, it has been a very depressing experience.
I am coming to understand the severe degree to which I have wasted the last five decades, just how many horrendous mistakes I have made. I know that I should be concentrating on the family history, but looking at the past encourages me to look at my own past and not to live in the present. I have blogged about how I find it difficult to live in the present and this project has made it even more so. I ought to stop it until such time that I can resume it without the emotional cost to me. However, I fear that it will never be finished and the wonderful history of my family, such as it is, will be lost forever.
There is so much I could have done in my life and I don’t have the time left to do it now, or the opportunities. I watched obituaries of Tony Snow, the conservative commentator and former White House press secretary who just died of cancer at the age of 53. He was only two and a half years older than me, yet he lived such a full and exciting life and explained how his first bout with cancer was the best thing that happened to him because it showed him how to value every moment. I want to believe that. I want to live that way. I don’t know why I can’t.
I find excuses to put in front of my progress. Often I don’t understand that this is what I am doing. It is so hard to overcome the what Freude referred to as “the will to death.” I don’t think I truly want to die, but I certainly have a part of my psyche that doesn’t want me to succeed in life, that sabotages my progress and insures that I remain locked in my failure. I am crawling out of the muck of despair. I am overcoming the self-loathing I was taught as a child and teenager. But, it is difficult.
I am trying. Does anyone relate?
Recent Comments