Seeing Myself in Others

I have begun to realize that what most irritates me about the behavior of other people is often what is most a problem with my own personality. This realization became most obvious to me over the weekend as I trained another employee for the company I work for.

The new person is an alcoholic and had obviously been drinking before he arrived. I drank and smoked pot for many years before I became clean and sober and was fired from a couple of jobs for my chemical abuse and the resulting behaviors. It was perfectly obvious to me that he was using and when I confronted him about it, he displayed the same behaviors I did years ago, denial, condescension, an “oh, don’t worry about it- I’m fine” sort of dismissing of my worries. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and come down hard on him because I was guilty of the same behavior in other jobs years ago. However, had someone come down hard on me then, I might have found sobriety a lot sooner. 

I also find it distasteful to be around mediocrities who feel the need to patronize others and act as if they are God’s gift to whatever whatever they are involved in. I tend to believe they know they are mediocrities and are overcompensating for their perceived deficiencies. I believe this because this is the behavior I engaged in for a long time. I hope I have moved past that and have a more realistic view of my abilities and my place in the world, but I can still have trouble climbing down off my high horse.

Any thoughts?

Crawling Up from the Muck of Despair

Some members of my family have suggested that I write down some of the family history, since I am the only person left who knows much of what happened to the previous four or five generations. In making my notes and preparing the first draft, I have begun to contemplate to an even greater extent than I already do my own life. I am already the most introspective person I know and this exercise has made me even more so. And, it has been a very depressing experience.

I am coming to understand the severe degree to which I have wasted the last five decades, just how many horrendous mistakes I have made. I know that I should be concentrating on the family history, but looking at the past encourages me to look at my own past and not to live in the present. I have blogged about how I find it difficult to live in the present and this project has made it even more so. I ought to stop it until such time that I can resume it without the emotional cost to me. However, I fear that it will never be finished and the wonderful history of my family, such as it is, will be lost forever.

There is so much I could have done in my life and I don’t have the time left to do it now, or the opportunities. I watched obituaries of Tony Snow, the conservative commentator and former White House press secretary who just died of cancer at the age of 53. He was only two and a half years older than me, yet he lived such a full and exciting life and explained how his first bout with cancer was the best thing that happened to him because it showed him how to value every moment. I want to believe that. I want to live that way. I don’t know why I can’t.

I find excuses to put in front of my progress. Often I don’t understand that this is what I am doing. It is so hard to overcome the what Freude referred to as “the will to death.” I don’t think I truly want to die, but I certainly have a part of my psyche that doesn’t want me to succeed in life, that sabotages my progress and insures that I remain locked in my failure. I am crawling out of the muck of despair. I am overcoming the self-loathing I was taught as a child and teenager. But, it is difficult.

I am trying. Does anyone relate?