Anticipation was the word for my childhood and adolescence, anticipation of the holidays to come, of the vacations to come, of the careers to come, of the life to come. Memories of what was or thoughts of what could or should have been are the terms for my life now. Never, as a child or an adult, have I lived in the presence. I was always looking to the future, until I realized I didn’t have a future anymore. Now, when I am not struggling to remain in the present, I live in my childhood, or in the idealized vision of what my childhood was, or in the fantasy of what my childhood could have been.
Reality was never good enough for me. When I was young, I was constantly praised and complimented by my father and grandparents and told what a wonderful future I would have. In my adolescence, howewer, as life took a drastic change and ridicule and abuse became the norm, I escaped from the ugliness of my life by dreaming or fantasizing about the future, of careers I would have in which people would praise me, respect me, compliment me. As I grew older and I discovered other forms of escape, primarily alcohol, marijuana, and sex, escaping into the future was less important to me. It was not until a few years ago, when I realized just how badly my escapes from reality had destroyed my life, did I see just how much of that future I had lost, as well as how much of my present!
Often people with addictive personalities, particularly those who survive traumatic abuse as children and adolescents, turn to escapes from reality for relief from the pain of their lives. That was certainly true for me. However, I wasted so much life dreaming of becoming that I never became and never lived. Now, when I no longer turn to chemicals and sex for escape from reality, it is a constant struggle not to live in the past, the remember how it was, how it might have been, how it could have been. I don’t have that much more life left to waste on fantasies and escapes and I struggle to live in the present, to find peace and joy and serenity in life as it is at this time, at this moment.
Have others experienced this and what are your comments from your experiences?
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