Empathy Defecit Disorder?

I try not to be too skeptical whenever I hear of a new psychofad because its always possible there might actually be some validity to the claim of a new disorder or syndrome. Too often, enablers of self-destructive behavior come up with imaginary disorders and syndromes as a means of excusing the behaviors of some people rather than of addressing the issue of personal responsibility. I found this to be particularly true when I first entered recovery from alcohol and chemical abuse. I would hear that its not my fault because I have a “disease” and then I would be told I had to make a fearless moral inventory. Well, if it wasn’t my fault, then why was I making a fearless moral inventory of what I had done because of what wasn’t my fault?

So, it was with wariness that I saw a report at CNN.com reposting an article from Oprah magazine about Empathy Defecit Disorder. I wouldn’t be caught dead reading Oprah magazine, but even though the article was written in a breezy and not very professional style, when you boil away the superficial “Oprah” stuff, it had a few good concepts.

Some people have great difficulty establishing empathy with others, and not just those with Asperger’s Syndrome and other Austism Spectrum Disorders. Children learn their behaviors and develop their personalities, in part, by observing their parents’ behaviors and when parents don’t show understanding or acceptance for their children’s feelings, the children don’t learn to do that either. This isn’t a “blame the parents for everything” excuse. It’s just common sense. Children learn from watching their parents.

When I was a child, I wasn’t exposed to other children until the age of four, when I entered Kindergarten. I spent the vast majority of my time around my mother, a narcissistic, self-absorbed neurotic who blamed the world for not recognizing that she was the center of the universe. My father was the polar opposite and though I tried to emulate my father, it was my mother’s behavior that I absorbed and displayed throughout my adolescence and into adulthood, until I recognized what I was doing and struggled to overcome it. Even today, at fifty, I struggle not to be so self-absorbed that I subconsciously act as if the world is out to get me or that no one loves me or that I am the center of the universe. Sometimes, if I listen to others, if I show concern to others, and feel their pain (not in a touchy-feely Oprah way, but in a genuine and authentic manner that doesn’t reduce their emotions to just recognizing that they are victims), then I see others reacting in more positive ways.

When people feel their emotions are not being validated, they shut down on the outside and internalize everything. I know that I do that. But, when others recognize their feelings and emotions, without giving in to the enabling tendency of playing along with their victimhood, then they feel validated and can move on.

Unless a person’s lack of empathy is related to an autism spectrum disorder, I don’t think it is a disorder in and of itself. However, one can learn not to have empathy for others and that makes one’s life less full and meaningful. Of course, one can go to the opposite extreme and place ALL one’s attention on feelings and that is equally dangerous. Balance is important, but I have found that working toward being more empathetic with others does help in my day-to-day relations with people.