I was diagnosed several years ago with post-traumatic stress disorder. I have persistent nightmares of being beaten and attacked, as I frequently was in the seventh grade. I find myself shrinking or becoming nervous and stressed in difficult situations, and I find it difficult to accept criticism. Nearly forty years after the worst of the physical abuse I experienced in school, I still relive these moments and I find the system stacked against my receiving help to recover from these experiences.
It is very common for survivors of traumatic abuse events to become alcoholics or addicts. Despite my over-achieving in high school, I turned to chemicals and sex as a means of escape from my fears and anxieties in college. The dreams and expectations of my youth dissolved into failure and humiliation as an adult. I am putting my life back together now, but getting the medical and psychological assistance that could make this recovery so much easier has been almost impossible.
I was receiving counseling and medication at a non-profit clinic in my home town until the company for which I currently work finally offered me health insurance. Then they cut me off. My personal physician, however, will not prescribe the medication I was receiving and requires my going to a psychiatrist, which my insurance won’t cover. Nor will they cover the medication I need.
PTSD is not some silly excuse for underperforming or the latest psycho-fad syndrome. It is a real disorder. Continued and repeated exposure to trauma, particularly when one is young, can lead to permanent and physical changes in the actual structure of the brain, changes that result in chemical imbalances and other actual symptoms. I can’t afford the medication I need on my own, but I no longer qualify for assistance. Welcome to the Catch-22 that is today’s American health-care system.
Sometimes, suicide seems the only option and though I can intellectually tell myself that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, the problem has been something I’ve been dealing with for nearly forty years. It doesn’t seem so temporary anymore.
Ironically, its the people who pretend to commit suicide frequently that get all the attention. If you are working and struggling and doing what you’re supposed to be doing, as I am trying to do, you are ignored by the government, the clinics, the insurance companies, etc.
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